I Choose to Give

drawing: autlaw / quote: anne frank / recolouration & text: me

The mail came. The one that hj was telling me about. The one that made her feel like her body doesn't belong to her anymore. The one that was asking for my organs when I pass on. And I said yes. I said yes to giving up my whole body to treatment and education when I die. My whole body except my heart.

Organ donation is a really personal choice. It is not for everyone because each has different afterlife beliefs. I write this here not to convince others to do the same, but to remind myself why I did this. Even if ten years down the road I decide this was a wrong move and I withdraw, I want to make that judgement not solely based on the circumstances surrounding that future time, but also to take into consideration the rationale behind my current choice.

I injured myself back when I was eight, and I will be going for an operation at the end of the year to make myself better. This could only happen because other people were willing to be subjects of science, having taken risks and sacrificing themselves for the betterment of mankind. I am thankful for them, and I should do my part. I should give because I have taken.

Would it be painful? Idk. But what is joy without pain anyway?

Even in giving, I am selfish. But even Mother Theresa was selfish. She gave because she was interested in growing her own happiness and satisfaction, she was self-interested. I am selfish because I want to keep my heart. The heart is the embodiment of soul, of affect and of consciousness. Of course, it is just an outer shell of these intangibles, but we are a materialistic society, aren't we? I want my spirit to live on, not as anyone else, but as me.

In withdrawing my heart from the list of organs I am willing to donate, I automatically exclude myself from a heart transplant in case I need one. And I guess that's just what I want. I want my heart to be mine, my soul to be mine. In life and in death.

I am wondering if I'll regret this. I know I probably will not regret giving up my body, but I wonder if I will regret not getting a heart transplant in the case I meet with an emergency and really need one. Do I want to live on as someone else, or do I die being myself? I cannot answer that right now for I don't think my brain was wired for such deep and difficult philosophical thought.

I cannot foretell the future, but right now, I just want to say of what I have done today,
Kellie, I am really proud of you.

Just don't ever forget this moment.